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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It frustrates my close ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that therapy might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and anxiety.

Even processing later can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.